I looked up to my dad forever. He was my hero, someone I wanted to marry when I was little. I looked up to the relationship that my mom and dad had. I remember my parents having fights every now and then but it was normal.
In 1998 a lot of that would change. My parents were not getting a long very well. Dad was living an hour away during the week for his job, only coming home on the weekends. Even when he was home, he was never really "home", spending countless hours on the phone and consumed in work in his office. Mom would be in a off mood because each Sunday would roll around and they would be living separate lives again. It took a toll on her.
The day after my prom, mom found photo's of another woman in dads vehicle. He had been cheating on her. I will never forget the feeling that enveloped my entire body when I found out. This was the man I had always put on a pedestal, the man that no other man would ever be able to be compared to. I hurt for my mom but I also hurt for myself. The image of a father who was the world to his daughter had ended.
Moving through out the next 12 years it was rocky. Eventually I put it in the back of my memory so that I could try and have a healthier relationship with him again. I would never forget though. I have this need to please him still to be a good daughter, even though I should not care. It has taken a while, but in my older years I have forgiven him for his mistake. My mom is happily married now, they both are.
I have dreams where they are still married. I wake up with this hole in my heart, not because I want it to be so ( I am older now) but just because it reminds me of my childhood and all of the feeling that came with it.
So why do I still drudge up old memories and feelings? Because having this happen has created an issue with abandonment. In the back of my head I know it is possible for someone to fall out of love with another and do things that disrespect their union together.
Currently I am not married, I am with child. I could not be happier about having a baby, but to be at it with just the promises attached is hard for me. I don't want my child to have to feel what it is like to have a broken family. Separate holidays and birthdays and all other important events. I want them to see a healthy and loving relationship with mommy and daddy that includes respect, love and faithfulness. I want to feel that security that his eyes are for me only. Perhaps this will always be an issue for me.
If I have a boy I want them to understand the importance of respecting woman. If I have a girl, I want to help her have strength and know the difference between a cute face and a truly kind heart.
Unfortunately divorce and infidelity is so common in my generation. I hope that changes......
