Time To Dry Your Eyes

I looked up to my dad forever. He was my hero, someone I wanted to marry when I was little. I looked up to the relationship that my mom and dad had. I remember my parents having fights every now and then but it was normal.

In 1998 a lot of that would change. My parents were not getting a long very well. Dad was living an hour away during the week for his job, only coming home on the weekends. Even when he was home, he was never really "home", spending countless hours on the phone and consumed in work in his office. Mom would be in a off mood because each Sunday would roll around and they would be living separate lives again. It took a toll on her.

The day after my prom, mom found photo's of another woman in dads vehicle. He had been cheating on her. I will never forget the feeling that enveloped my entire body when I found out. This was the man I had always put on a pedestal, the man that no other man would ever be able to be compared to. I hurt for my mom but I also hurt for myself. The image of a father who was the world to his daughter had ended.

Moving through out the next 12 years it was rocky. Eventually I put it in the back of my memory so that I could try and have a healthier relationship with him again. I would never forget though. I have this need to please him still to be a good daughter, even though I should not care. It has taken a while, but in my older years I have forgiven him for his mistake. My mom is happily married now, they both are.

I have dreams where they are still married. I wake up with this hole in my heart, not because I want it to be so ( I am older now) but just because it reminds me of my childhood and all of the feeling that came with it.

So why do I still drudge up old memories and feelings? Because having this happen has created an issue with abandonment. In the back of my head I know it is possible for someone to fall out of love with another and do things that disrespect their union together.

Currently I am not married, I am with child.  I could not be happier about having a baby, but to be at it with just the promises attached is hard for me. I don't want my child to have to feel what it is like to have a broken family.  Separate holidays and birthdays and all other important events. I want them to see a healthy and loving relationship with mommy and daddy that includes respect, love and faithfulness. I want to feel that security that his eyes are for me only. Perhaps this will always be an issue for me.

If I have a boy I want them to understand the importance of respecting woman.  If I have a girl, I want to help her have strength and know the difference between a cute face and a truly kind heart.

Unfortunately divorce and infidelity is so common in my generation. I hope that changes......

Baby Bumps, Cravings and More....A look at the last 23 weeks.

The day I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy and scared at the same time.  This is real, I have to be even more of an adult now. I always wanted children, but dawning on my 32nd birthday and never having one prego scare, I thought that perhaps it just was not in the cards for me to carry a child.  The thought would upset me for a long time, especially since all of the people around me were getting married and having kids.

I finally came to the point where I was OK with the idea that I might have to wait, and perhaps adopt.  I sat with my cousin one night in the beginning of April and we had this conversation. I was finally OK with letting nature take its course.  If Craig and I could not have our own children, we would take on the little lives of someone who perhaps couldn't be a parent. There are a ton of children out there that need good people to love them.

"Let nature take its course"...pretty funny, because it already was!

Here is baby bump at 5 weeks. April 8th to be exact. I had just found out that day that there was life inside of me. What to expect? How was my body going to change? What was this process going to feel like?

 10 weeks and already starting to show. This however I blame on the fact that I can not get enough food!!

Food Cravings

Steak

Combos

Doritos

Anything with Sugar

Food Aversions

Pickles

Most veggies

Anything spicy (so not normal for me, I normally drink Franks Red Hot like it's my job)

Being in the health and fitness field my plan was to go completely organic, no refined sugars, and workout regularly.  Always have a plan, however do not beat yourself up for ditching the plan. 

Color Me Rad!!!

11 Weeks pregnant, I am signed up for a 5k in Hartford with my Fam!!

  Baby On Board!!! Also, a lovely heart rate monitor that I got to tote around for a week per Cardiologist request.

 So we walked it, just to make sure the ticker didn't go out of control.

Colored corn starch for all!!

                                             

Super Fun event, can not wait to do it next year and actually run!!

Baby Bump 13 weeks. I am already rocking the maternity pants. Thanks Wendy's!! No morning sickness unless I have an empty stomach...does not happen often :). I like to call maternity pants-all business on the bottom and party on the top!!

All I can say at this stage in the game is when can I take another nap? Holy fatigue Batman!  They compare the first trimester to climbing up Mt. Everest. Whomever "they" are, are completely correct.

Daily Schedule

Wake at 6am

Eat

Nap at 9am

Up at 11am

Eat

Train clients

Eat

Nap again

Up at 3:30pm

Train clients

Eat

Eat some more...

Bed 8pm

This schedule will last for almost 11 weeks. However, the appetite will slowly start to decrease....slowly.

Baby W and our first family Photo

Baby W is a squirmy little thing! The tech had a heck time getting the correct photos to measure and make sure the baby is growing OK. All good though, and so far, it seems to have daddy's features.

At 15 weeks I starting to feel more human, less tires and less hungry. By less hungry I mean every three or four hours instead of all day long. I am feeling pretty good. The heart is healthy (for a irregular heart beat) and I am going about my daily routine of training and managing a fitness studio, with a few massage clients on the side.

Here is a look at 17 weeks. It is crazy how quick the baby is growing and me for that matter. To date I have gained 15 lbs. All in the belly and boobs...which might I add will need a crane to carry them by the time this is over.

This is our 18 week ultra sound. This picture makes me so happy. You can see Baby W's little nose, eyes, and my favorite part, a little smile :).

Every thing is going well and it is growing strong!

22 weeks and BOOM! Bump, bump bump!!!

I am well into my second trimester. I have gained 22 lbs to date. Does it bother me, I would be lying if I said no. I know however that this is all part of a healthy pregnancy and being able to carry a healthy little nugget. The food cravings have died down and I take less naps (cat naps every now and then). Working has become a bit harder. I get tired being on my feet for a long period of time. Other then that though, it is true what they say....the second trimester is pretty easy!

A Small Miracle Makes a Big Change

Let's back track a bit.....

The year is 2012 (OK so we are not back tracking that far) the place my friend Peter's house in the middle of March. Every few months Pete and his fiance Rachel have gatherings, this particular one to celebrate the dismissal of a one of Rachel's co-workers (This included a pin the tail on the donkey with this particular disliked person face on it, no joke). Anyway, Craig and I were enjoying some time with friends and having a few beers, letting loose. The grill is cooking the drinks are flowing and we are having a great time.

Craig is eating a steak, myself some salad. Why am I telling adding this detail? Well...it will make all the difference in my little tale.  I have not eaten red meat for several years, um...try over 20. Chicken and fish were my chooses of protein. All of a sudden I am eyeing Craig's meat and saying, "hmmmm I think I want a bite of that."

"Are you serious?!".....Craig is a bit shocked and so am I to tell the truth. However, there I am opening my mouth for his offering of a small piece of something that I have been repulsed by for several years. To be truthful, as I am chewing and feeling the foreign food, I am liking it!

Jokingly, Craig tells me to take a pregnancy test. Ha! OK buddy! I don't think so.....

Fast forward a few weeks to April. I have not been feeling that well, tired and crankily waiting my "monthly friend". I am pretty regular and here I am waiting for it to come.  One week late.....no big, right? Right????

Perhaps something is wrong, maybe I have a cyst, so to Planned Parenthood I go. We live in West Hartford, so I choose to go to a close location in Hartford. As I check in the lady at the desk hands me a cup. "Go ahead and pee in this, the bathroom is around the corner", said the larger black woman. Alrighty, no big deal, I have a cyst.

Waiting....in a small room...just me and a thousand diagrams of vagina's.

Enter, small Spanish nurse. "Congratulations, you are pregnant!!!!"

"WHAT?!" How is this possible....OK I know how, but HOW?

And that is that....on April 11, 2012 our lives would change. A little unplanned surprise was upon us. I was going to be a mom!!

And here we go.....

I have been thinking about starting a blog for some time.  Main reason, I want my children to be able to see events that have happened and archive my life. It goes by too fast! Before you know it, weeks, months, even years pass and you wonder "where did they go!"

Do here it goes.....

I cannot promise that my content will ever be of interest to anyone else, however this blog is for me and my family. It is a virtual diary to keepsake the things that matter.